‘I am not going to feel this pain alone!’


Here I am laying on the hotel room floor yet again. As I relax into Shavasana and stare up at the ceiling, I suddenly see the last few years flash by and I am overcome with the biggest wave of wonder and gratitude for life.
 
We are just wrapping up a big team retreat here in Bali with our amazing team flying in from all across the globe – and I am in awe with the magic we create together. As I look back, I am hit with the power of manifestation in my life.
 
A few years ago I was going through a very painful heartbreak. I remember so vividly the day of our breakup: as I was walking to my scooter holding back the tears,​ a voice ​was​ screaming in my head ‘I am not going to do this alone!! I am not going to feel this pain alone!’
 
Looking back, I know I was making a declaration to the Universe. I know that my heart cracked open to surrender, soften and allow myself to be seen. I know that I had hit a point where I wanted to be loved for exactly how I was…and the pain carved it into my heart that in order to be loved for who I was I had to show up 100% as me – with all the bits.
 
I called in family. I called in soul-friends. I called in partners. I called in love. I allowed myself to sob and scream with my friends. I allowed them to take care of me when I got typhoid the week after the breakup. One of my best friends moved in with me. Another one travelled with me to help me with a big trade show I was afraid of. My business partner and soul-friend walked into my life. I met my love. I committed to a daily practice. I started studying daily. The list goes on and is filled with so much love – with SO much family.
 
The more I realise how strong the power of our intention is, the more I have the courage to truly ask for what my heart yearns for. And I make it a priority in my life to listen to it – to give it space to express its desires. To observe when it feels moments of bliss…and then work on creating similar environments that allow such bliss.
 
What amazes me that these moments of bliss are so subtle and unexpected at most times. They aren’t the big moments of success, recognition, ecstasy…they usually are the little ones. When my shop assistant looks at me with teary eyes of gratitude telling me that she feels like our team is her other family, or when I sit in the garden listening to a tape of my teacher, while I draw.
 
When I wake up being held by my partner, when my business partner screams out with excitement when I show her my drawing for a new design, when my cat gave birth to her little kittens. Or, when I meet people who are committed to sustainable living.
 
There are so many joy-filled moments – and they always, always involve me being 100% present with another or with myself.
 
My invitation to you today is to take the time to listen to your heart. To create moments to be 100% present. To tune in with your priorities. And make declarations to allow those desires into your life. I asked for family and love – and oh my am I being showered with it.

Above: Ananda team day: we’re learning how to make Balinese vegetarian curry (some of us are already masters hehe). Best team ever!!! 🙂

With so much love from Bali,


Leave a comment

Comments will be approved before showing up.